I broke my neck yesterday. “That sounds serious”, you exclaim. “Tell me more!” Okay, so I didn’t really break it, but I jacked it up and it hurts like a m****** f******. You see, I’m an obsessive joint cracker. Yesterday, I was in the shower and cracked my neck.
I immediately wished I could click CTRL+Z on life. It hurt so bad I thought I was going to die. But my impending death aside, the real clue that something had gone dreadfully wrong was that I could no longer tilt my head to the left.
I hate being hurt, because it’s always the result of something incredibly dumb or clumsy that I did. Take for instance “The Broken Toe Incident of November 2008”. We had recently moved into our new home, and the washing machine drained into the utility sink. Well one day, I started a load of laundry and forgot that I was soaking something in the sink. So, when the washer drained, the water filled the sink, overflowed, and poured all over the floor. When I went in to switch laundry over and found my mud room an inch deep in water, I completely lost it. I needed to kick something, and I needed to kick something hard. I grabbed the door to the garage in my hand, held it steady, and kicked it with all my might.
Not being an experienced door kicker, I neglected to consider two very important factors. First, the door was steel. Second, I was not wearing shoes. So not only did I kick a steel door with bare feet, but I held it steady, so there was absolutely no give. How much did that hurt? Here is a little visual for you. Let’s see if you can solve this riddle:
I remember at that moment thinking I had done permanent damage to my foot. I remember wondering how important a big toe really was, and if I would no longer be able to walk straight. Two years later, I still can’t bend my toe, and it hurts after a long day on my feet. Right now I am wondering if I will ever have mobility of my head again. What will life be like if I can never look to my left? I’ll only be able to see things on the right. I’ll only be able to talk to people on my right side. I’ll only be able to watch half of the game. I will only be able to vote Republican.